Dear Expedia.com,
Yesterday, I booked a trip through your website and I gave you my credit card number which you in turn charged for the agreed upon very large sum of money. Today, I have a question about the trip that I booked through your website for which you appropriated a very large sum of my money.
The first time I called, I was on hold for forty five minutes and then you hung up on me.
The second time I called, I was on hold for thirty five minutes and my cell phone's battery life expired before you picked up the phone.
The third time I called, I was on hold for fifty eight minutes and then you hung up on me.
Normally, I can take a hint; but you in your case, I'll make an exception. I'm going to keep calling and calling and listening to your gut-wrenching hold music for as long as it takes for me to get through and when/if you finally answer my phone call, I'll have one more question for you: Why do you even have a phone number? You've made it clear that you would prefer that I not bother you via telephone, so why not just take that option off of the table? You'd be happier and I wouldn't have to listen to your nauseating hold music; everyone wins!
Think about it.
Sincerely,
The Guy Who Is About To Take Advantage Of Your 24 Hour Penalty-Free Cancellation Policy And Then Give My Money To The First Of Your Competitors To Answer The Phone When I Call Them
Saturday, June 25, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Perspective
I remember the cover of Time magazine in 1993 that said, "the information super highway will change your life," like it was yesterday. Hell, it practically was yesterday.
Soon, I was listening to that ethereal BEEP...GROWL...GROWL...WHIIIIINE...GROWLGROWL....BEEEEEEEEEEEEP..."WELCOME! YOU'VE GOT MAIL!" and the next thing you know, I'm all up in some chatrooms doing whatever the hell it was you were supposed to do in there. You paid by the minute in those days and there were only about five webpages in the entire world, so chatting was about all you could do. Unless you had the holy grail of computer gadgets: the scanner. If you were lucky enough to have one of these massively expensive and clunky boxes, you could take your crappy film photographs and convert them into even crappier grainy, digital photographs that you could then email to your chatmates. That is, if you wanted to wait three hours for each tiny snapshot to upload. And it all worked through the phone line, which was a real problem in the event of in incoming call or some sort of emergency, as the phone line for phone purposes was completely disabled.
I only bring all of this up because I think it is very easy to forget how far we've come and how fast we've gotten to where we are in terms of our technological advancements. In light of what was considered to be the "future" in 1993, we've surpassed every prediction of what life would be like "in the future" and we've done it in ways that we couldn't even have conceived of back then. Currently, the internet is provided to my computer wirelessly through the air. The AIR. No wires, no phone line, no cables or carrier pigeons, just air. My cell phone takes pictures in as high a resolution as my digital camera and can send those pictures via email almost instantly to anyone in the world. From the cell phone. A device no bigger than a deck of cards does all the things that an entire deskload of equipment could barely accomplish, with the help of a phone line, back in 1993 and then some.
And while we're on the subject, I got my first cell phone in 1996 which was large by today's standards but still portable. However, I remember the earlier incarnation that was bolted into the frame of my mom's car and relied on the substantial electrical production of the car's battery to operate. All it did was make phone calls, and it didn't even do that very well. Today, even the largest phones can fit in your pocket and weigh so little that you forget that it's there and sit on it a couple of times a day.
My point is that it is important to remember that the technology that we are becoming increasingly dependent on is still in its infancy and therefore cannot be expected to always do the things that we are asking it to do without some occasional bugs, errors and/or mishaps. We need to exercise patience when using these devices as they are absolute marvels of electrical engineering and technological advancement that we now, less than 20 years after their inception, take for granted as ubiquitous instruments of our daily lives.
Keeping all of this in mind, I am now a little embarrassed by the fact that my phone is on the floor in pieces because I threw it on the ground because the GPS program didn't determine my location as quickly as I would have liked while I was trying to use the phone to check email, send a text message, watch a movie, call my mom and order a pizza all at the same time--while driving. In retrospect, it seems like the phone's sluggish performance may not have been completely the device's fault...
Soon, I was listening to that ethereal BEEP...GROWL...GROWL...WHIIIIINE...GROWLGROWL....BEEEEEEEEEEEEP..."WELCOME! YOU'VE GOT MAIL!" and the next thing you know, I'm all up in some chatrooms doing whatever the hell it was you were supposed to do in there. You paid by the minute in those days and there were only about five webpages in the entire world, so chatting was about all you could do. Unless you had the holy grail of computer gadgets: the scanner. If you were lucky enough to have one of these massively expensive and clunky boxes, you could take your crappy film photographs and convert them into even crappier grainy, digital photographs that you could then email to your chatmates. That is, if you wanted to wait three hours for each tiny snapshot to upload. And it all worked through the phone line, which was a real problem in the event of in incoming call or some sort of emergency, as the phone line for phone purposes was completely disabled.
I only bring all of this up because I think it is very easy to forget how far we've come and how fast we've gotten to where we are in terms of our technological advancements. In light of what was considered to be the "future" in 1993, we've surpassed every prediction of what life would be like "in the future" and we've done it in ways that we couldn't even have conceived of back then. Currently, the internet is provided to my computer wirelessly through the air. The AIR. No wires, no phone line, no cables or carrier pigeons, just air. My cell phone takes pictures in as high a resolution as my digital camera and can send those pictures via email almost instantly to anyone in the world. From the cell phone. A device no bigger than a deck of cards does all the things that an entire deskload of equipment could barely accomplish, with the help of a phone line, back in 1993 and then some.
And while we're on the subject, I got my first cell phone in 1996 which was large by today's standards but still portable. However, I remember the earlier incarnation that was bolted into the frame of my mom's car and relied on the substantial electrical production of the car's battery to operate. All it did was make phone calls, and it didn't even do that very well. Today, even the largest phones can fit in your pocket and weigh so little that you forget that it's there and sit on it a couple of times a day.
My point is that it is important to remember that the technology that we are becoming increasingly dependent on is still in its infancy and therefore cannot be expected to always do the things that we are asking it to do without some occasional bugs, errors and/or mishaps. We need to exercise patience when using these devices as they are absolute marvels of electrical engineering and technological advancement that we now, less than 20 years after their inception, take for granted as ubiquitous instruments of our daily lives.
Keeping all of this in mind, I am now a little embarrassed by the fact that my phone is on the floor in pieces because I threw it on the ground because the GPS program didn't determine my location as quickly as I would have liked while I was trying to use the phone to check email, send a text message, watch a movie, call my mom and order a pizza all at the same time--while driving. In retrospect, it seems like the phone's sluggish performance may not have been completely the device's fault...
Saturday, June 4, 2011
That's Right, I AM an Austinite!
C and I went hiking in the park, kayaking on the lake and exclusively go to bars with patios now. Bye bye Dallas, we'll be sure to visit sometime...maybe.
But even with all this Austin outdoorsyness, one thing stands out among all others as my favorite reason to be back. No, I haven't found a job yet. Stop changing the subject.
Food. Specifically Mandola's Italian Market and Thundercloud subs. I could eat at both of these places every day for the rest of my days and never think twice about it. If I ever had to choose between paying my electricity bill and getting a meatball sub at Mandola's, I would ultimately pay the electricity bill, but only after C and I considered all of the pros and cons of the Sandwich vs Power debate. And in the end, it would be a close call.
Do your belly a favor and patronize these fine establishments if you live in and/or around the Austin area. If you do not live nearby, get in your car and drive. I'm not kidding, it's worth it. Sure, you can crash on our couch. And you can stay as long as you like, as long as you're buying our sandwiches while you're here.
But even with all this Austin outdoorsyness, one thing stands out among all others as my favorite reason to be back. No, I haven't found a job yet. Stop changing the subject.
Food. Specifically Mandola's Italian Market and Thundercloud subs. I could eat at both of these places every day for the rest of my days and never think twice about it. If I ever had to choose between paying my electricity bill and getting a meatball sub at Mandola's, I would ultimately pay the electricity bill, but only after C and I considered all of the pros and cons of the Sandwich vs Power debate. And in the end, it would be a close call.
Do your belly a favor and patronize these fine establishments if you live in and/or around the Austin area. If you do not live nearby, get in your car and drive. I'm not kidding, it's worth it. Sure, you can crash on our couch. And you can stay as long as you like, as long as you're buying our sandwiches while you're here.
Friday, May 20, 2011
You Can't Say that...Ever: Vol.9
Wife who just returned home from her 3rd straight 10 hour work day: "Why are you drinking red wine out of a coffee cup?"
Me: "I'm unemployed. Isn't that what I'm supposed to do?"
A lot has happened in the last few weeks and, as usual, I don't want to bore you with the mundane details of my life. However, I feel as though I should put the preceding melodrama into context.
The lovely and talented attorney that I am (as of the writing of this post) currently married to has accepted a job offer in Austin. Consequently, I resigned from IDPCA, we packed all our stuff and we moved down here over the weekend.
And now we're here. She's working long hours and I'm diligently searching for a job.
Let me clarify, I mean diligently searching for a job when I'm not:
a. watching videos of cats diving into boxes
b. running errands
b. watching movie trailers
c. shopping online for impractical things like a Vespa, plane tickets to Libya, a movie replica Thor hammer, etc.
You would think that I finally got what I always wanted. I sit around unsupervised all day with very little in the way of structure to get in the way of my constant search for amusement.
You would be wrong.
It turns out being a house-husband (A.K.A. - my ultimate dream in life) is very very dull. We don't have cable, so soap operas are out. We live in a tiny one bedroom apartment, it's just the two of us and we just moved in, so cleaning up takes all of about 3 seconds. As long as we're on one salary, I don't have the means to go shopping all day long, like some stay-at-home spouses do. So, it's just me, online job boards and Maru the Box Cat all day long.
But, it's only Day 4. Maybe it gets better. Maybe, like a lot of other things in life, you just have to ease into it.
Which explains why I am sitting on the couch drinking red wine out of a coffee mug: I'm just trying to put my full effort into it. You know, really get to the spirit of unemployed-ness. Embrace it. And also because all the dishes except the coffee mugs are in the dishwasher.
So, I'm going to give it another couple days, but if being unemployed doesn't get to be awesome pretty soon, I'm just gonna give up on my dreams and get a job.
Me: "I'm unemployed. Isn't that what I'm supposed to do?"
A lot has happened in the last few weeks and, as usual, I don't want to bore you with the mundane details of my life. However, I feel as though I should put the preceding melodrama into context.
The lovely and talented attorney that I am (as of the writing of this post) currently married to has accepted a job offer in Austin. Consequently, I resigned from IDPCA, we packed all our stuff and we moved down here over the weekend.
And now we're here. She's working long hours and I'm diligently searching for a job.
Let me clarify, I mean diligently searching for a job when I'm not:
a. watching videos of cats diving into boxes
b. running errands
b. watching movie trailers
c. shopping online for impractical things like a Vespa, plane tickets to Libya, a movie replica Thor hammer, etc.
You would think that I finally got what I always wanted. I sit around unsupervised all day with very little in the way of structure to get in the way of my constant search for amusement.
You would be wrong.
It turns out being a house-husband (A.K.A. - my ultimate dream in life) is very very dull. We don't have cable, so soap operas are out. We live in a tiny one bedroom apartment, it's just the two of us and we just moved in, so cleaning up takes all of about 3 seconds. As long as we're on one salary, I don't have the means to go shopping all day long, like some stay-at-home spouses do. So, it's just me, online job boards and Maru the Box Cat all day long.
But, it's only Day 4. Maybe it gets better. Maybe, like a lot of other things in life, you just have to ease into it.
Which explains why I am sitting on the couch drinking red wine out of a coffee mug: I'm just trying to put my full effort into it. You know, really get to the spirit of unemployed-ness. Embrace it. And also because all the dishes except the coffee mugs are in the dishwasher.
So, I'm going to give it another couple days, but if being unemployed doesn't get to be awesome pretty soon, I'm just gonna give up on my dreams and get a job.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Hahaha! Take That, Trump
Saturday night was the annual White House Correspondents' Association dinner, but it might have well been a roast of Donald Trump. Except that roasts are usually good-natured and intended as a sign of admiration of the recipient. In this case, it was just some good old fashioned public humiliation in the style of tarring and feathering, only without all the messy clean up afterwards.
Now, before you start getting all, "Oh, how mean. Why are they picking on this guy in front of a ballroom full of people?" please remember who we are talking about here: the granddaddy of all media whores, Donald Trump. You should NOT feel sorry for him in any way for the simple reason that he brought this attention on himself. He forced himself into a conversation in which he is grossly under qualified to participate. He is the one making outlandish remarks that are unsubstantiated by any crumb of fact or proof. In short, he has no issues with making a mockery of the American political system and the 24 hour cable news cycle when it benefits him, so why should anyone (up to and including the Leader of the Free World) shy away from using those same forces against him? The answer, of course, is that they should not.
So, thank you Mr. President and Seth Meyers for taking time out of your busy schedules to publicly pummel this bad-haired-loud-mouth-loser.
Man, I love to watch the public humiliation of a shamelessly filthy sideshow/media whore! Also, look at his face while Meyers is roasting him. He doesn't even crack a smile. What an ass. Don't take yourself so seriously, "The Donald". And if you're going to, then you should get back to doing what you do best--starring in mediocre reality TV shows (read: Fox News)--and stop trying to be a politician. Idiot.
Now, before you start getting all, "Oh, how mean. Why are they picking on this guy in front of a ballroom full of people?" please remember who we are talking about here: the granddaddy of all media whores, Donald Trump. You should NOT feel sorry for him in any way for the simple reason that he brought this attention on himself. He forced himself into a conversation in which he is grossly under qualified to participate. He is the one making outlandish remarks that are unsubstantiated by any crumb of fact or proof. In short, he has no issues with making a mockery of the American political system and the 24 hour cable news cycle when it benefits him, so why should anyone (up to and including the Leader of the Free World) shy away from using those same forces against him? The answer, of course, is that they should not.
So, thank you Mr. President and Seth Meyers for taking time out of your busy schedules to publicly pummel this bad-haired-loud-mouth-loser.
Man, I love to watch the public humiliation of a shamelessly filthy sideshow/media whore! Also, look at his face while Meyers is roasting him. He doesn't even crack a smile. What an ass. Don't take yourself so seriously, "The Donald". And if you're going to, then you should get back to doing what you do best--starring in mediocre reality TV shows (read: Fox News)--and stop trying to be a politician. Idiot.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Public Service Announcement
Facebook friends,
I feel it is important for me to let you know that there exists a clear list of things that, if posted by you, WILL get you permanently hidden from my newsfeed. Below is a copy of that list. I suggest that you read it carefully and that you consider the consequences of what you're about to do when you are on the verge of posting one of the following ill-advised status updates.
You WILL get hidden if you:
1. Mention how excited you are about seeing "Fast and Furious 5".
2. Express ANY support for Donald Trump for president, or the idea that the current President of the United States was possibly not born in this country.
3. Post any nostalgic recollection of the "Bush Years".
4. Subject us all to a picture of your fat-pregnant-belly. NO ONE wants to see that. Trust me.
5. Notify me that you have just friended "Prince William of Wales"
6. Discuss the outcome of any reality show. This includes, but is not limited to, American Idol, The Voice, Chopped, X Factor, Dancing with the Stars, America's Next Top Model, Rock of Love, and Temptation Island.
Thank you for your time and attention and I, again, encourage you to strongly consider these guidelines when posting.
I feel it is important for me to let you know that there exists a clear list of things that, if posted by you, WILL get you permanently hidden from my newsfeed. Below is a copy of that list. I suggest that you read it carefully and that you consider the consequences of what you're about to do when you are on the verge of posting one of the following ill-advised status updates.
You WILL get hidden if you:
1. Mention how excited you are about seeing "Fast and Furious 5".
2. Express ANY support for Donald Trump for president, or the idea that the current President of the United States was possibly not born in this country.
3. Post any nostalgic recollection of the "Bush Years".
4. Subject us all to a picture of your fat-pregnant-belly. NO ONE wants to see that. Trust me.
5. Notify me that you have just friended "Prince William of Wales"
6. Discuss the outcome of any reality show. This includes, but is not limited to, American Idol, The Voice, Chopped, X Factor, Dancing with the Stars, America's Next Top Model, Rock of Love, and Temptation Island.
Thank you for your time and attention and I, again, encourage you to strongly consider these guidelines when posting.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Happy Easter
Dear "Lady Gaga",
Judas does not love you back. He can't be trusted. If you knew how to read, you would already know that.
I honestly believe that being turned over to Pontius Pilate for crimes against the state would be less painful than listening to your music.
Now, shut up and leave my poor innocent eardrums alone. They didn't do anything to deserve the abuse you have subjected them to. Unless of course, they are the twin sons of God and YOU are the devil incarnate.
If only there were some evidence to support that idea...
Judas does not love you back. He can't be trusted. If you knew how to read, you would already know that.
I honestly believe that being turned over to Pontius Pilate for crimes against the state would be less painful than listening to your music.
Now, shut up and leave my poor innocent eardrums alone. They didn't do anything to deserve the abuse you have subjected them to. Unless of course, they are the twin sons of God and YOU are the devil incarnate.
If only there were some evidence to support that idea...
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
To understand the U.S. federal budget, divide by 100,000,000
Philip Greenspun divided the U.S. 2011 federal budget by 100,000,000 and wrote a little parable:
"We have a family that is spending $38,200 per year. The family's income is $21,700 per year. The family adds $16,500 in credit card debt every year in order to pay its bills. After a long and difficult debate among family members, keeping in mind that it was not going to be possible to borrow $16,500 every year forever, the parents and children agreed that a $380/year premium cable subscription could be terminated. So now the family will have to borrow only $16,120 per year."
Way to go Congress, you really tackled that problem.
PR
"We have a family that is spending $38,200 per year. The family's income is $21,700 per year. The family adds $16,500 in credit card debt every year in order to pay its bills. After a long and difficult debate among family members, keeping in mind that it was not going to be possible to borrow $16,500 every year forever, the parents and children agreed that a $380/year premium cable subscription could be terminated. So now the family will have to borrow only $16,120 per year."
Way to go Congress, you really tackled that problem.
PR
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Saturday, April 2, 2011
'Tis the Season...For Pain, Suffering and Humiliation
Because I know you're dying to hear all about it, I want to assure you that, so far, my softball team is performing at least as horribly as expected this season. We've managed to loose every game, we've had an on-field collision that resulted in a concussion, we've had a season ending ankle injury and we've cleared out the entire supply of Icy Hot patches at our local Target store.
We suck.
You should come watch us play sometime, it's a real hoot.
Here are our individual stats for the season. Keep in mind that this is Rec League, Slow Pitch Softball before you start thinking to yourself, "Oh, a .400 batting average isn't so bad."
Trust me, it is.
We suck.
You should come watch us play sometime, it's a real hoot.
Here are our individual stats for the season. Keep in mind that this is Rec League, Slow Pitch Softball before you start thinking to yourself, "Oh, a .400 batting average isn't so bad."
Trust me, it is.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Consider the Source
Dear Jennifer Lopez,
Congrats on your "come back". But let's be honest, do "party people in the club" (her words, not mine) really want advice on how to get down from a 41-year-old-mother-of-two?
Maybe you should release a single titled "Middle of the Night Feedings" or "Everybody Get on the Swing Set".
Maybe "Can't Get Enough of that Menopause Cooldown Spray".
Congrats on your "come back". But let's be honest, do "party people in the club" (her words, not mine) really want advice on how to get down from a 41-year-old-mother-of-two?
Maybe you should release a single titled "Middle of the Night Feedings" or "Everybody Get on the Swing Set".
Maybe "Can't Get Enough of that Menopause Cooldown Spray".
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
You Can't Say That...Ever: Vol. 8
In light of the deteriorating contract negotiations between the NFL Players Union and NFL team owners, Adrian Peterson of the Minnesota Vikings recently described the relationship between players and owners as modern day slavery and has received a lot of hell for it.
But, I say he's got a point. I remember reading that the negotiations between the slave union and slave owners got real ugly in 1852, just as this more recent set of negotions has done. In fact, Uncle Tom even compared their situation to that of the Jewish Slaves building paramids in Egypt, and the press gave him hell for it.
Ultimately, the season was suspended, and Frederick Douglass and Harriet Tubman both decided to retire from slavery, marring their carrers forever and causing fans to wonder, "What if?".
I only hope things will turn out better this time around, but only time will tell.
And give Adrian some props for noticing that history does, in fact, repeat itself.
But, I say he's got a point. I remember reading that the negotiations between the slave union and slave owners got real ugly in 1852, just as this more recent set of negotions has done. In fact, Uncle Tom even compared their situation to that of the Jewish Slaves building paramids in Egypt, and the press gave him hell for it.
Ultimately, the season was suspended, and Frederick Douglass and Harriet Tubman both decided to retire from slavery, marring their carrers forever and causing fans to wonder, "What if?".
I only hope things will turn out better this time around, but only time will tell.
And give Adrian some props for noticing that history does, in fact, repeat itself.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
I can't figure out why, but I am currently obsessed with this video.
Maybe it's her incredible voice, maybe it's human fascination with the vulnerability of standing alone in front of an arena full of people, maybe it's the evocative and relatable lyrics, or the goosebumps I get at the 2:00 minute mark every time I watch.
Or maybe it's the cankles. Who knows. Either way, here's Adele live at The BRIT Awards 2011. Enjoy.
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