I'm Old

My back is killing me. 

Good-bye, youth.  Hello inevitable decline into crippled and invalid senility.

"Free" Speech

While I am not one to advocate the trampling of anyone's First Amendment Rights, I do expect people to understand that some topics are not to be discussed in polite and professional situations. That's why when I saw what had been set as the wallpaper on the computer next to mine at work, I knew something had to be done.

Imagine my shock and dismay when I saw this staring at me only 3 feet away from the spot where I spend the largest portion of my waking hours:

For 8 hours a day, I am in one place diligently (that may be a slight overstatement) working (again, overstatement) and in return I have to look at that offensive piece of numbskull propaganda?!

I printed a copy of the following article from Harper's Magazine and carefully placed it on the desk just below the offending image. Please feel free to read the entire article here, but I will hit the highlights for you.

“It would be difficult to identify a President who, facing major international and domestic crises, has failed in both as clearly as President Bush,” concluded one respondent. “His domestic policies,” another noted, “have had the cumulative effect of shoring up a semi-permanent aristocracy of capital that dwarfs the aristocracy of land against which the founding fathers rebelled; of encouraging a mindless retreat from science and rationalism; and of crippling the nation’s economic base.”

“No individual president can compare to the second Bush,” wrote one. “Glib, contemptuous, ignorant, incurious, a dupe of anyone who humors his deluded belief in his heroic self, he has bankrupted the country with his disastrous war and his tax breaks for the rich, trampled on the Bill of Rights, appointed foxes in every henhouse, compounded the terrorist threat, turned a blind eye to torture and corruption and a looming ecological disaster, and squandered the rest of the world’s goodwill. In short, no other president’s faults have had so deleterious an effect on not only the country but the world at large.”

So, no, we don't miss you. Not now, not ever. At least, those of us with any sense don't. As for Guy-in-the-Cube-Next-to-Me, he doesn't even have enough sense to keep his misguided and ignorant beliefs to himself, so he probably misses you. At least he thinks he does. But I would contend that his brain is functioning so poorly that he wouldn't even notice if I replaced his current desktop settings with this:

You can't say that...ever: Vol. 3

Girl Who Sits Next to Me at Work: "And THAT'S why I don't go to the dentist."

Douch. Device. Of. The. Century.

My favorite part is the nerdy uproar of joy in response to "rotation around gravity". Seriously, guys? That's what you get excited about? You dudes have GOT to get out more. And annual visits to "SuperGeek's Electronic Expo and SciFi Convention" do not count.

Can you imagine if "Lord iTard" had put a picture of boobs on that screen? The entire audience would have immediately started blogging about how they had just lost their virginity.

Making my point...at highway speeds

On my way to work this morning I got stuck behind a dude in a BMW driving significantly under the speed limit.  Frustrated, I passed him and literally yelled, "You're an embarrassment to German engineering!" as I drove by at break-neck speed. 

And I meant it.

Wedding Planning Brain Teaser

This quiz will be one question, multiple choice.  There is only one correct answer.

1. If Fiance A convinces Fiance B to close his personal bank account and redistribute all funds and redirect all direct deposits to the new, joint bank account, which of the following is the most likely outcome:

A. Fiance B does exactly as he is told, with ease, and they live happily ever after.

B. Fiance B refuses to do as he is told, citing a "need to be me", and leaves all financial arrangements just as they are.  Divorce eventually ensues.

C. Fiance B attempts to do as he's told, however he also tries to quietly divert a small amount of each paycheck into an account that only he can access because sometimes there are things that need to be bought without Fiance A's knowledge.  While the changes are being made to the direct deposit settings, the computer system at work first advises that only one account can have the amount set to 'balance' and then advises at least one account has to have the amount set to 'balance'.  Accounts can only be edited one at a time, so at no point can the new account be set to 'balance' without both or neither account being set to 'balance' temporarily.  In frustration, Fiance B deletes both accounts in an effort to start from scratch, and is then advised by the computer system, "You are not allowed to add any direct deposit entries today.  Try again tomorrow."

That sucks

I saw this on my way to work the other day.  And even though it really sucked for the people on both sides of the highway who were way late for work because they were stuck in traffic forever, and especially sucked for the dude whose car was ablaze--

it. was. AWESOME!

You can't say that...ever: Vol. 2

Recently, my buddies and I went to one of those places where the food is average, the prices are outrageously high and waitresses are wearing little more than a napkin. I'm not proud of it, but I went.

As if 'I'm not proud of it' wasn't enough to show my age, I had a real 'I'm getting old' moment when the waitress introduced herself as, "Farrah. Not the one with the ass cancer."

(Insert shocked expression here)

What?

Now, look, I know this girl is not old enough to be a Charlie's Angels fan. Also, I am acutely aware of the qualities this girl must have exhibited to be hired for this particular job; and intelligence and the ability to form complete English sentences are both very low on that list.

But come on. You can't have that kind of filterless, brain-to-mouth direct connection when:
A) Your brain is so clearly malfunctioning; and
B) You work in a place where the entirety of your job function is talking to strangers.

Or maybe you can. Maybe I'm just getting old. I guess my fear is that there are not enough normal, intelligent people out there to balance out all the damage the Farrah-not-the-one-with-the-ass-cancers in the world are unwittingly doing on a daily basis.

What part, exactly, of the Patient Protection and Affordable Care act are people so upset about?

That's like launching a campaigning against the "World Peace and a Cure for Cancer Act" or throwing a brick through someone's window because they voted for the "Baby Seal Anti-Clubbing and Food for the Hungry Act."

And I know what your little conservative brain is thinking, "Who is going to pay for all of that World Peace?!"

We'll have a bake sale, maybe.

Or we can make being a Republican a misdemeanor and charge a fine to anyone who uses the terms "State's Rights", "Freedom Fries" or "Compassionate Conservatism".

And you thought I was cry baby. . .

There is a screaming child in my office today. Not just in the building, but on my floor. Not just on my floor, but the in cube next to me. Screaming. Child. In. The. Office. What. The. Fuck.

You have got to be kidding me.

There are places a screaming child doesn't bother me. In some places you expect to hear the shrill, piercing sound of miniature vocal cords with a disproportionately large amount of lung capacity:
1. Outdoors. Especially near a playground.
2. In a restaurant. I'm not sure why, but they hate restaurants. But most parents are so horrified by the little jerk's ill-behavior that they have the good sense to get out quickly and never show their faces at that Applebee's ever again.
3. At a daycare facility. Duh.

Notice how I did not list "In the office" or "Six inches from my eardrum"?

I. HATE. POOR. PEOPLE.

Now That's Old

So, I'm pretty sure I need a knee replacement. C doesn't believe me, of course, but that's because she doesn't take me seriously on a wide variety of subjects up to and including my own health.

But the knee is gonna have to go. And I'm not just saying that because I spend the majority of my waking hours reading other people's medical records (professionally, of course, not for fun). It's just a function of age. As parts wear out, they must be repaired or replaced. Like on cars. Luckily we now have the ability to replace the parts with synthetic substitutes that are effective and discreet. All you pirates out there remember hook hands and peg legs, don't you? No good.

So as we age, the clock is ticking on our original parts. But how do we know when the timer is about to go off? I'm pretty sure I found out this morning.

When I found a 3 inch long, grey hair growing out of my ear.

Dear guy who sits in the cubicle across from me:

It's not the fact that you are playing loud music via your douche-device-of-the-century iPhone throughout the work day that bothers me. Well, it bothers me. But not nearly as much as your insufferable taste in music. The f*cking Black Eyed Peas?!?! Seriously? Lady Gag Me? At 10:00 in the f*cking morning?! KYLIE MINOGUE?!?!?!?

Stop! Please, stop! I'll give you whatever you want, my wallet, the keys to my car, anything! Just please. . . STOP making my ears bleed before I even get to finish my first cup of coffee.

Sincerely,

The guy who has been humming Rihanna songs all morning.

Dear CIA:

Kill this guy.

Anwar al-Awlaki


Thank you.

Wedding Planning 201

"I can't do this, I don't have time," she said.

"It's not like it matters, anyway, just pick something," she said.

"I don't care, just handle it," she said.

"Why are our wedding invitations neon colored with Star Wars characters on them!?" she said.