Dear guy who sits in the cubicle across from me:

It's not the fact that you are playing loud music via your douche-device-of-the-century iPhone throughout the work day that bothers me. Well, it bothers me. But not nearly as much as your insufferable taste in music. The f*cking Black Eyed Peas?!?! Seriously? Lady Gag Me? At 10:00 in the f*cking morning?! KYLIE MINOGUE?!?!?!?

Stop! Please, stop! I'll give you whatever you want, my wallet, the keys to my car, anything! Just please. . . STOP making my ears bleed before I even get to finish my first cup of coffee.

Sincerely,

The guy who has been humming Rihanna songs all morning.